Monday, July 23, 2012

I AM a manager of Chaos.

"I am not a control freak. I am a chaos manager", I screamed almost sarcastically! 

 Ok so... I like to know stuff. {shoulders shrugs}

 My husband says my obsessive need for schedule, planning and knowledge has to do with me being a control freak... But honestly its not about control. I just HATE surprises! No seriously, I don't like them. I like to know what I need to do everyday in order to get from point A to point B. There is and should always be a plan!

  I like my chaos management method... I like method... possibly why I am a Methodist? Vice verse? Anyways...

 I like to stay on target. I enjoy planning because I like to look forward to things and I like to see all angles so I may play interference if needed. I like to know exactly how high I have to jump in order to cross a road block. AND YES precise measurement and foresight is needed!

 Frankly, to me the absence of  schedule, planning and knowledge can create nasty mixture of combustibles... Some of which have been know to be filled with confetti and others well we have all seen what happens when stupid people get together?   (who hasnt watched Tosh. O?)

Now you have to understand here, to me surprises equal chaos. I am a mother of three... my life is chaotic enough as it is thank you very much! I will pass on the unforeseen.

Lets talk surprises...

 Granted some surprises are great especially if they are a true surprise! Like the kids receiving a special award at school. Its always nice to see their self esteems grow but I would like to know a head of time so I  can plan to take pictures and make their day extra special. ;-)

  My husband buying me flowers, another fantastic surprise! Granted I have to move the fruit bowl from the center of the table thus cluttering the kitchen counter top so the flowers have a beautiful place to sit. But in a few days the fruit bowl will usually be empty and I can hide it in the cabinet until grocery day. Now if I had just bought fruit... well I will have to do some minor arranging to the kitchen and refrigerator but... chaos in those terms are manageable and dare I say even greatly appreciated!

Waiting to find out the sex of your baby until birth? It takes me months to find the perfect name. I suppose I could pick out one of each but... wow, trying to wrap my brain around planning and dream of the future for a sexless baby is inconceivable to me. Its not my style of planning but to each their own.

Then there is the even bigger life altering surprises like hooligans setting one of your spec houses on fire or your car breaking down. Surprise, you under paid your taxes or one of your kids surprise you with a stomach virus all over the floor. Then there is the surprise your husband has a girlfriend or sudden lay offs at work! I mean come on people most of us have been there at one point in time, right? Those surprises suck!

What do we do to avoid life's little inconveniences? We build in respectable neighborhoods, you perform regular maintenance on your vehicles, you claim one less dependent on your taxes at the beginning of the year, you GermX your kids, and you choose a trust worthy spouse and you work on saving your nest egg!

So you see, you hate surprises too! Don't judge me. I am just a hope for the best and plan for the unexpected kind of girl... AND if I can get a heads up about the "unexpected" heading my way... Heck yeah I am on it and planning!

So now that you understand me, here is the low down.

Almost 61/2 years ago I had a girls night out with a good friend of mine. Being a little daring and slightly silly we decided to go to a psychic. Who doesn't want a little peek into the future, right? (I think we have established that I do)

 It was suppose to be all in good fun. After our private readings we left and vaguely talked about what our futures were to hold. I say we were vague because the psychic encouraged us not to discuss our readings. Even from my girlfriends vague description of  hers, they were nowhere near the same. Why we shouldn't discuss it, I have no idea.

It wasn't until 3 years later when our construction company collapsed under the pressure of the over populated housing market did I start to think, "Wow, that woman might actually be legit". But when I really started to believe, was when my girlfriend got pregnant with her first baby.

The psychic told her that she will have a child and to be weary. There would be a great risk of there being something wrong with the baby. I personally think its a horrible thing to tell someone but psychic have to tell you even the bad stuff (that's what she had said)

 It was a big whoops when she had became pregnant within a month after receiving radiation treatment for a thyroid problem. The doctors had strongly warned her to be very careful as she should not became pregnant until after 12 months had past from her treatments.  9 months of pregnancy was filled with lots of testing and worries. Luckily she gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl.

As the years went by her predictions started to unravel faster and truer. As I started to see the manifestation of her visions, everyday of my life has since felt like a ticking of a clock.

The last prediction she gave me... My second son, the third child. He is suppose to be the last of my children (according to her) but that's not what Juan and I have planned!

Our son will be born in November and if we wait until after Juan deploys Andrew will be around 18 months old. We planned on trying for the next one after Juan returns home. BUT, wait! The psychic has been right so far... So what is going to happen that changes the plan!? Everyday I wonder. Every second the clocks ticking away the minutes until  the future is revealed to me. Who wants to live like that!? What have I done!?

What a horrible mistake it was to "peek" into the future! As it seems I have a good two years to worry about the hurdles that may be lurking ahead. As my pending c-section rears closer... as Juans deployment slowly creeps near.... Panic! Why will there only be three? What will happen????

I have been up since about 3am with all these worries about an unpredictable destiny!!!! It was a huge mistake but oh now how I need the questionable future to hold answers for my family and I. Oh how I wish I would have never known!!!!

I have tossed and I have turned... and I have paced and I have bit my nails down to the quick!

So after much deliberation, I decided this morning that I would seek council with God. (Unlike the psychic, he didn't tell me that I needed to keep our conversation a secret)

This is what he said...

He understands my desire to see into the future, to plan for each beautiful day but if I had spent more time practicing on my faith... the faith that he will lift me over the road blocks verses how I am going to jump them... If I had been practicing my faith to prepare me for the future instead of straining to see it, I would have never wandered through the doors of the psychic.

He confirmed, years worth of straining to see into the future has left me very blinded too blinded to embrace the day, too strained to relax and trust that things will be okay.

He said knowledge is power and too much power is a dangerous thing! I don't have the power to control the hand of God. I am just a human! Too much power and  now look, I may have just out smarted myself.

Instead of trying to discredit the psychics credibility (fingers crossed though) or obsessing over the "why's"... that energy is going towards a different kind of education, one that's truly empowering, that puts order to the chaos...

After 61/2 years of straining, planning, and worry.. Lets try this whole thing again...

Lesson one Chapter one... Practicing faith. 

So perhaps instead of letting God handle things... maybe I was just a bit of a control freak... Only now, am I a chaos manager! 

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” ― Mother Teresa

“When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?” ―Chuck PalahniukInvisible Monsters

“Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.” ― Rick RiordanThe Lightning Thief

“The future depends on what you do today.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky


  1. If we could all see our futures, we would probably attempt suicide. God chose to have us live in faith, so anyone that tells us our future is doing Satan's work. I didn't want to say this before you came to your own decision, but I'm glad you made the decision that you did. NOW, if I just knew where my next dollar was coming from! ;-) May God bless you all. P.S. - Just said a prayer for you and yours.

  2. "You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.
    You shall wander far in safety though you do not know the way.
    You shall speak your words in foreign lands and all will understand.
    You shall see the face of God and live.

    Be not afraid.
    I go before you always;
    Come follow me,
    and I will give you rest."

    I like the idea that even in our planning, we leave open the opportunity for His will to be done. Part of the need to be compulsive about planning, for me, had to do with a FEAR that things would not work out well UNLESS I planned them perfectly.... Today I prefer to allow those imperfections to help color my life experiences, confident that even those imperfections are part of His will for me.

  3. Gorges, I think you will understand what I mean by this... Remember when you were a kid and you really wanted to do something but your parents told you no and you just didnt understand why so you did it anyways and then you understood, EXACTLY why.... Well God and I have that sort of relationship and here lately I have completely been understanding the logic. I am learning that part of having faith isnt just about trusting god that he will "fix" things but sometimes I just have to trust him and his reasoning when he tells me no. Thank you for being a true supportive Christian friend.

    Judy, I got a little choked up reading that. The future scares me... Especially this being my families first deployment. (My husbands 3rd) Literally every day I have to remind myself to put my faith in God.

    I really like your perspective "Today I prefer to allow those imperfections to help color my life experiences" Thank you for your thoughts. Always appreciated