Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Vessel of Life

The first time I talked to the car salesman last week I thought I was literally going to be sick. I have made so many wrong decisions, I cant afford to make another one. Even though, inside, I had wished that someone else could make the decision for me, I knew that I had to do this on my own... by myself... for myself...

I researched the possibilities. I went back and forth with the pros and cons. I listened to the guidance of my friends and family. I did everything that I could have done in order to make the best decision. Although, I ultimately ended up purchasing the first car I test drove, it wasn't the only car. I know I made a good decision. It was the right and practical decision for my new life. The funny thing about good decisions is that they don't always make us feel happy.

I did everything I was told. I negotiated. I walked away from the table. They called me back and Monday evening we started the paper work. I was purchasing my very first vehicle, all by myself!  But the entire time, there was this dull pain in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn't quite figure out.

Today, my colleague (and good friend) took me to the dealership to pick up my new car. When I pulled in, it hit me, "I wont be driving Big Red anymore...". I know its silly, but at that moment my heart sank. That truck had been with me during what I hope was worst parts of my life. We have so much history together. It accompanied me when I went to seek inspiration from  the quiet country side. Her low hum often soothed my breaking heart. She escorted me to dinners with beloved friends and family. She safely carried my loved ones on fabulous adventures.... And together we witnessed breath taking views....

It wasn't the proud tears of independence, or even about parting ways with an old  friend.  It wasn't the relief of a fearful newbie reaching the end to a painful car shopping experience. Today I walked away from the truck that literally bore the weight of Come By Chance. She pulled horses in trailers, hauled lumber, chickens, goats and happy children...  In short? It was a symbolic farewell.

This evening, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. On the quiet drive home in my new fuel efficient Nissan Versa, I didn't wipe away  just a few tears. My shoulders shook with heart breaking sobs. And for every mile home, my new car quietly whispered.... "in due time... in due time..."....

I cant say that today was the beginning of my new life but it was definitely a defining mile stone along this road of mine...

Where is this new vessel going to take me?  Who knows!?!


  1. The hearts of your friends break at seeing the fissures in yours. But we have each faced our separate hells at one time or another and have survived. So have you and so you will again. Write us when you can, we'll still be here. God bless you, Leigh.

  2. There have been two old cars, no...friends, that I've had to part with over the years and both of them have shared ups and downs with me.
    They pulled me through thunderstorms and over high mountains in both ways. I still think of them with a smile and a tear and I know you will hold the memories of Big Red in your heart for many years.

    That said, congratulations with your new car and yes, he or she will share new adventures with you and in due time, will become a friend.


  3. Thanks Georges! I will be back!

    Thanks! :)

  4. Yes indeed, as was said write when you can and we`ll be here.

  5. leigh, when you bleed, we as your friends bleed also. your thoughts on the truck sale was really your inner most thoughts coming to light.
    thats the best therapy- you will pass on a lot of roads in your life, all of them won't be paved but you will survive---God bless

  6. Change happens to us all Leigh my dearest friend, whether it be a car or something even more devastating. Knowing you as I have come to I understand your angst at yet another change but the pages keep turning and your story goes on, there will always be change in our lives but hell fire my girl not all will be bad and your light and love will see you through. Glad that the pen has touched the paper once more - will be here when there's more.
    As always your friend,

  7. Oh, Leigh. I wish there was SOMETHING, ANYTHING, I could say that would make it better, but I just don't know what it would be. Here for you. Always. I have a lot of heart invested in your life, friend of mine who lives far away from me. Always here for you.

  8. Thank you all! Your support has meant the world to me. I love you guys.

  9. Sounds like you had a little "buyers remorse" in the mix, along with all the other stresses going on in your life. Be kind to yourself.

  10. I hope your new truck gives you good service Leigh. And many many great adventures...I feel it will...J

  11. Oh gosh! Not sure how I came accross your blog but I am glad I did. I could almost feel your emotion through your words. Seeing as this was posted last month I am hoping you have had the time to bond with your new wheels. Thanks for the post!

  12. come on Lee, we check in every day but woe, no new posts------we worry and then worry some more-keep us in the loop