As I sit here this morning I am thinking about the holidays... If I squint my eyes real hard and focus on the meaning, I can almost see it....
I see the faces of my parents...
I am crying now because I am so so thankful that when I squint my eyes to see the meaning in the holidays that I have those loving faces looking back at me...
My gratitude may not always show but know that it swells and boils over in my heart...
As I get distracted in this world. It takes my focus. Again I try to see the meaning... I see my brother. My big brother Joshua. I cant explain my connection to him but if you ever had a sibling you are close to then you get it. He is the guy that can always make me laugh to tears. There is no other male in my life that will understand me like my brother Josh.
The best memories I have was with this kid....
I am thankful for my Sister. How she came into our lives is blessing in its rawest form. There isn't a thing in this world that I couldn't talk to her about. She is truly one of the strongest people I know.
Not only is she strong but rare.... Rare in that her external beauty shines on throughout her heart.
I love you Sista.
I am thankful for my nephew. He was the first born. We got to make all the mistakes with him (smiles), "No kids, just ask Dominick what happens when you eat ice cream sandwiches for breakfast". I am thankful for the strong arms of my nephew. I will never forget that early morning outside the donuts shop. (Happy tears, sad tears, loving tears...)
I am thankful for my friend Charlie. Our times sitting on the porch watching the leaves fall, talking about the meaning of life, laughing in the circle of trust, cuddle time during "How I met your mother"... and sweet sweet tequila (tah-keel-ya).
I am thankful for my best friend Holls. Damn.... that's all I can say. I could write a book about us. From 6th grade on... catching the tent on fire, the famous toilet ring, the box of secrets.... the days you didn't leave my side.... the things you said... the things you know.... Monumental is what you are!!!
To truly be thankful you have to understand what blessings you have.... you have to embrace every aspect of thankfulness....
I am thankful for my ex-husband. There is a lot to be said for 11 years... the most obvious, the two beautiful children that we made. Thank you for the memories, the children.... and the friendship.
So with much effort... I get it. Today I will look over the early Christmas trees, the ceramic turkeys, and fruit filled cornucopias.... and see the people that I TRULY love.... the people I am MOST thankful for.....
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Come By Chance is in a different place currently but I tell you with absolute certainty, although traveling in a foreign land, the destination has not changed. This is merely training.
The cold seeped from the concrete stoop and bleed through my pajama pants as I sat outside of our small two bedroom apartment in the city. I delicately laid the large stack of unopened bills next to me. I stared across the litter parking lot, watching a candy wrapper flit and bounce with the breeze. O how I was craving the woods. I squinted my eyes for a moment. I pretended the trash was a blissful delicate autumn painted leaf... Then shaking free from my fantasy, I looked around, "I cant believe I thought this was a good idea", I sadly reflected.
As I wrapped my arms tighter around me, the wind blew splinters of cold through my jacket. I inhaled the evenings cold air. With each detoxifying breath, calm cleansing and deep, I exhaled each crisis of the day.
Just as I was releasing the stress, my doubt crept back in. A tight knot formed in my stomach, " BUT, what am I doing here and why?"
The sirens from the hospital had started to drown out my thoughts. Then drawing my attention to the right, a sound closer to home. A car door five spaces down slams shut. A young mother screams at a man still standing beside the older white Honda, "your a fucking jerk", she says as she angrily fumbles for the correct door key. I just sat there gawking at their intimate BUT yet public display.
The pizza delivery guy pulls in next to my car. With little notice he casually walks in my direction. Still avoiding eye contact he says "whats up", but then absently hovers over me. "Its not mine", I snipped. Without a word he turns and knocks on my neighbors door... The smell of fresh pizza reminds me that I have almost a week before my next pay day.
My cell phone rings. I can feel my heart rate hasten as I see its an ex-boyfriend calling...
The sounds of sirens fade into the distance. The couple's bickering is no longer seen behind their closed door. The smell of pizza fades from my senses. My calm is restored as I pressed end to my ringing phone.
I'm here in this place. So far home, finding my way is going to take focus and determination. At times it will feel like I my efforts are insurmountable.
It is easy to react in the calm. Focus is simple in perfect conditions. It is when the chaotic world around us that pulls us in every which direction do we learn what true focus and determination is.
There will be times when I am listening off into the distance or wondering about someone else's life. There will be times when I am envious of others simple fortunes and times that I just have to shut off my feelings... but in the end I will steady myself and find my focus. I will regain my footing. I will learn to hear the breaths of my sleeping children over the the sirens echoing around me. I will focus on my soft inner voice over the yelling of others.. I will find happiness in the blessings of other people and I will have a love that's all mine again.
When I look at the world around me, I realize the magnitude of cause and effect and the toll it takes on our senses. Our reactions count!
A few years ago after hitting a road block, I mastered the art of being self sufficient. I can grow a garden and raise healthy livestock. I am capable of ending an animals suffering and carving a simple bowl out of fire wood. I have conquered many of the physical tasks life can bring. I can and have embraced the simple life.
It is only here in this place of chaos that I have moved on to the next stage in this educational degree of life... Now I have complex task of learning to Master ME....