Night Dreams

Its about 2am in middle Tennessee right now. I cant sleep. I have heard that when you cant sleep the worst thing you can do is lay awake in bed. I don't remember why they (who ever they are) say that but according to the last two hours, I have to agree.

I couldn't bare the restlessness a moment more. I grabbed my favorite quilt, a pillow and my laptop and headed outside to the pavilion.

Twinkling stars have lite up the morning sky by the trillions. Its beautiful.... The crickets and other evening "noise makers", are serenading me a lullaby. The cool damp air is cloaking the quilt that I have wrapped carelessly around me. I'm cold but there is something comforting about this cool dark morning. In the dark, I can see the dreams where as the sunlight can blind. I can dream in this kind of dark.

While laying in the bed, I started thinking about the conversation Lee and I had on the way home from having dinner with his parents. We talked about how obvious it was that we were not meant for the live styles we were living almost five years ago. Lee was a contractor. As soon as he finished the first house he built we were already concerned that we weren't living the life we were destined for. Lee worked a lot. He was under an amazing amount of stress. There were many evenings that I sat out on the front porch of our old house and thought about the horrible price that were paying for our big house and the stuff we filled it with.

I began to question the path of our life, our family business even further as I began to dabble with local wildlife rehab center. I found that our lifestyle disagreed with almost everything I believe in...every ideal I had about god and nature was being littered with commercialism and consumerism. Lee and I began to drift apart as the 7 days a week work hours and the stressful amount of paper work it took to run our business divided us.

One day we had no  other choice. It was as if all a long god was telling us that he had a purpose for us, and that we were not designed for that life that we had chose for ourselves. If we didn't change it, he was.... And so he did.

Years later, I have more people come and talk to me about "how did you make it", "how do you hold your family together", through that kind of.... change  It wasn't easy and any kind of "loss" and "failure", SUCKS... but  ultimately, when one of us wanted to throw in the towel the other was cheering the other one on. That's family. And through, the tears, sorrow, angry bitter words, ultimately we were a family... In its most heartfelt gut wrenching rawness, we. remained. family.

One thing I have learned, "time heals ALL wounds".. and if something is still raw and gushing even after "time" has had its time to work, it cause you haven't quit picking at it.

My walk down memory lane with Lee last night must be why I woke this morning anxious (in good way) about the future. I'm excited about the new things to come. In two years our property will be ours... without a mortgage... ~ solely ours~. We have done a lot out on the property and have continued to pour our blood sweat and tears not just into the physical parts of our homestead but even more so into its spirit.

This year we are hoping to put a real driveway back to the barn. Also Lee and I have been toying with the idea of getting electric in the barn. Its definitely needed. The electric company said that if we hook up the barn  before we have the house built then we will get two separate bills each month. So after much discussion we are going to go off grid for the barn. What a better test run for going solar?

I know that to some this sounds minor. But this is pretty big to us, not just financially but it is a great mile stone in our lives, in the construction of our homestead, or our rebirth.  Before we know it, we will be building our house, (another mile stone)

I look back, almost three years ago we were starting with a blank canvas... But slowly, meticulously, and with the guidance of our "values", we are painting our new world... into the most beautiful place. I look forward to the things to come... whether they are lovely at first or still in its heartfelt rawness. The things to come are destined for greatness.

With my teeth chattering, moths flying into my computer screen, hound dogs barking, and a cow off in the distance that I swear must be giving birth... I think it must be time to go back to bed. The children's' little feet will be pattering against the floor in just a few short hours and sleep is now calling. Its time for rest.

Sweet dreams.

Where it all started.

I remember the first time I ever went to the old family farm. I was about 4 years old I was gazing out the window when our car slowed to turn into a driveway of the big two story farm house. It was beautiful. It had white ginger bread type scrolling around the porch and a black rod iron fence enclosing the front yard. I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. I could smell a variety of things all very foreign to me. I could smell dirt, cows, and sweet apple pie baking in the kitchen.

Over the years the farm was home to a variety of people as well as livestock. I love to look at the photos that were taken generations ago. The farm is still in our family and rich with family history.

Though my visits to the farm has been sparse, this place made an impression on me. The apple trees in the back yard where we were fussed at for climbing are still there. The cellar was a dark scary place, that you only went into because of a dare. The old Bull enclosure still stands, where my cousin and brother once tied me to the fence! I will never forget this place.

This was the first place that we (kids) were able to completely run free. We played. We were fussed at. We were fed and we were loved. Life on the farm was exactly like reliving my ancestors life.

As years go by, each time I return to the old farm house, as I take my first step onto the soil, I am reminded that my grandmother and grandmother before her walked on this same soil. They found love in this place. They lost love in this place. Forever will this be the place that for over a century my family has walked, bled, cried and prayed.

Though, I do not live close to the farm now, I intend to give my children the same farm life, the same freedoms, the same love. Now that we embark on our own homestead journey I know that one day my children will have those memories and freedoms.

As time goes by in a continuously changing world, I can only hope that each generation will return to the old family farm to leave their footprints in the dirt just as their ancestors left over a century before.